// January 24th, 2006 // No Comments » // Personal
Lemurgirl has been smokingillegalsubstances giving consideration to the nature of the Haggis, Scotland’s almighty pudding made of the bits no-one else eats. She’s offered a few questions and, being a self professed expert in everything, I have no choice but to answer:
1) What happens once a Haggis reaches the top of the mountain?
Legend professes that, upon reaching the summit of the mountain (a process that can take many years due to the hostile environment, lack of shelter and large numbers of roary blokes in skirts), the haggis balances on it’s longest leg for as long as possible before toppling gently over sideways and plummeting down the mountain. These Hagilanches are nearly always fatal and have been known to destroy log cabins, large areas of forest and four wheel drive vehicles … although it’s just as likely to be the work of the roary blokes in skirts.
2) Can they actually go backwards or has perpetual motion cursed them with ever going forwards?
Whilst there is nothing to stop them reversing their ascent the haggis is unlikely to do so for 3 reasons, Firstly it would mean they actually climbed down the mountain rather than up, secondly a haggis has quite a pointy head and very poor rear vision therefore backing down a mountain is likely to result in finding another haggis with it’s head firmly up your arse, and finally, recent EU regulations require that all reversing haggis now be fitted with an audible alarm (i.e. Beep – Beep – Beep – Caution – This Haggis is Reversing – Beep – etc.) which the poor little critters just find utterly embarrassing.
3) When is open season on hunting Haggis?
The Haggis Hunting season runs from when they hatch (around 30th November) until 25th January. So you have one day left to find one!
4) How exactly (sic) do you hunt Haggis?
The techniques are too many and too varied t describe in their entirety. Suffice to say a good starting point would be heading up to the Highlands of Scotland, putting on a skirt and getting roary (normally through careful and copious application of scotch single malt whiskey).
finally, we have a herd of cows, a flock of sheep but 5) what is the collective noun for Haggis?
As has already been observed the correct term for many haggis when served is “heap”. However, it is a little known fact that haggis (as with geese) have multiple collective nouns based on their state of being at the time of describing. For example, a large number of wild haggis less than halfway up the hill or mountain are described as a Footle of Haggis, halfway up or more they become a Reetlot of Haggis and in the process of falling down the hill they are normally described as a Bunchostupidstinkinachgetootamaway of Haggis.
So there you have it. Hopefully that’s cleared up your questions but typing haggis hunt into Google will result in any number of contradictory answers and erroneous information. I’d remind you that you came here first and, I know where you live >:-|
